do i need to make myself more sensitive? or do i have to be the strong silent type?!
i can't control my feelings.. that's why im always like this!
did i really make a mistake? or it's just that i love you more than myself?
i just wanted some time.. some attention.. a time when you're all mine..
all eyes, ears, and thoughts just focused on me...
am i being selfish?
is it too much to ask?
and why does it hit me hard?
why can't you just feel for me and let me hear your sweet apology?
do you really have to find an excuse?
an escape goat to spare you from my whining
and i hate it when you suddenly shut me down
i know that you are strong
and that your built that way
but it hurts when i feel that you can go on without settling this out today
i know that you care and love me as well
but some times i need for you to show your affection
because it is what i am needing
now i can't deny that i'm down
i can't even describe the sadness that's filling me up right now
i hope if you can't see this..
maybe you will feel it
i don't want to become what i am before
a clown that puts on a smile and a show
i cant cry when you're here
when you're tired i can't be mad
all i can do is smile trough it
and wait till you laugh and be ok
i know i said i will take good care of you as if you're a child
but can you please let me be the child?
even for a fraction of a time...

Labels: all mine, error, mistake

i dont want to be like this!
i didnt even ask for this
but all of the dreams
the hopes and the promises
all are fading without me noticing
its hard and i know it
to realize that the one that you know
is not really what you want him to be
he is nothing but an illusion
a mirage just to keep you hanging
to hold onto a fantasy where you thought you'd be happy!
and when the rain falls hard
it washes down the great big deception
a lie that one is trying to live
and a truth that one is trying to hide
the truth that will drags me to misery
coz when you see the real me
its only a big disappointment that you will see!

stumbled on something that's not meant for me... I'm shattered although I know that she has every right to say those things, It still bothers me big time... thinking: i hope for a second she thought of me, as she write those words or even as she speaks to the one that she addressed as "the one that she ever really loved"! but still i don't have a single right to complain... not even a single question about him/her... for I was the one who told her to decide and talk to him/her before we proceed to the next level... But still as i read every single line, the feeling of sharp little thorns raking into my chest fills me with misery and the feeling that something is wrong ... I still remember that after she had that so called "talk" she asked me to give her time and asked me not to bother her for at least a day or two... i agreed, but still i know i can't! I can't because she's the only reason for me to wake up every morning, the reason to look forward into another day... ever since that day i told her that I'm risking it all again for her... i called her up and beg her not to keep me hanging for a day or two.. i'm pouring my tears and my heart out while saying "i cant get past a single day without you, please don't do this.. not now! not now that i ripped the stitches off of these wounds that was forcefully closed and heavily sedated in order for me to feel no pain... feel nothing at all! but again I force it open just to feel you and let you in my heart..

i know that "IT"S NOT ME!" and i never intended to be like him/her, i never intended to be better than him/her! But rather i aim to be the BEST!
I thought at that moment we have an understanding.. a mutual feeling that i was very confident in.. but after i read those words i asked my self: did she believe me when i told her that i love her? or have she thought that im dead serious when i told her that im ready to risk getting hurt again just for her!
does it hurt that much? does it hurt so bad that you did not or cannot foresee that in the future THIS will cut me deep! i'm not mad or angry... i know i cant... not with her... even if i die trying to... i know that it's not her intention to hurt me.. maybe that's why she hid this from me... i also don't want to hurt her by writing this pathetic words... and for that I'm sorry!

Labels: shattered and broken up again

this is the feeling that I've hated most
this helpless feeling and mind's distort
my hearts pounding every second that passes
my visions of you makes my eyes move faster
tonight as i lay in this bed of dismay
the tears come pouring as i beg and i pray

i know i said I'm ready to be hurt
I'll swallow my pride and for you I will burn
now i aboard this sinking ship
i wish you could save me when i can no longer swim
please don't leave to drown here im begging you please

i told you the things that will make me fall
the things that will cripple me and make me crawl
i know I'm pathetic and sound so naive
i feel so helpless and I'm down on my knees

right now I'm busy finding a good melody and music for my writings... and because of that my posts here will be limited to maybe once or twice a week.. but I will try my best to have something to post here at least once every week... i kinda lose the melody for my previous lyrics whenever i try to write down something new... hope i will be able to finish my own song and be able to play it on gigs... i promise to post my song here when i finish... thnx guys.. ^^

tonight is the loneliest time for me...
this is the time when you're looking for someone to talk to
because the one your so excited to see and talk with
is nowhere and you can't feel a thing
i'm by my self looking up at the sky
wondering why i can't find anyone
when i needed them
am i really destined to be of help to others
and why cant somebody think of me!
tonight i went for a ride
i dont care if i crash coz im already in pain
driving it fast, going 60 kilometers an hour
but i hit the brakes hard
when im about to hit a pup
i barely missed it and then i went to a full stop
and thats the time i realized that
i hit the brakes not because i dont want to get hurt
but i hit the brakes because i dont want to hurt that lil pup
and at that moment i felt scared for that dog's life instead of mine
maybe this is how i'm made
to think of others first
before thinking of my self
but now i need someone
to think of me rather of their selves
coz now i can't take this
i can't keep it inside my chest
i need to get this out
and i need to do this now!