stumbled on something that's not meant for me... I'm shattered although I know that she has every right to say those things, It still bothers me big time... thinking: i hope for a second she thought of me, as she write those words or even as she speaks to the one that she addressed as "the one that she ever really loved"! but still i don't have a single right to complain... not even a single question about him/her... for I was the one who told her to decide and talk to him/her before we proceed to the next level... But still as i read every single line, the feeling of sharp little thorns raking into my chest fills me with misery and the feeling that something is wrong ... I still remember that after she had that so called "talk" she asked me to give her time and asked me not to bother her for at least a day or two... i agreed, but still i know i can't! I can't because she's the only reason for me to wake up every morning, the reason to look forward into another day... ever since that day i told her that I'm risking it all again for her... i called her up and beg her not to keep me hanging for a day or two.. i'm pouring my tears and my heart out while saying "i cant get past a single day without you, please don't do this.. not now! not now that i ripped the stitches off of these wounds that was forcefully closed and heavily sedated in order for me to feel no pain... feel nothing at all! but again I force it open just to feel you and let you in my heart..

i know that "IT"S NOT ME!" and i never intended to be like him/her, i never intended to be better than him/her! But rather i aim to be the BEST!
I thought at that moment we have an understanding.. a mutual feeling that i was very confident in.. but after i read those words i asked my self: did she believe me when i told her that i love her? or have she thought that im dead serious when i told her that im ready to risk getting hurt again just for her!
does it hurt that much? does it hurt so bad that you did not or cannot foresee that in the future THIS will cut me deep! i'm not mad or angry... i know i cant... not with her... even if i die trying to... i know that it's not her intention to hurt me.. maybe that's why she hid this from me... i also don't want to hurt her by writing this pathetic words... and for that I'm sorry!

Labels: shattered and broken up again