Trying To Write My Heart Down

i can't sleep

2009-07-23T03:31:00.002+08:00

do i need to make myself more sensitive? or do i have to be the strong silent type?!
i can't control my feelings.. that's why im always like this!
did i really make a mistake? or it's just that i love you more than myself?
i just wanted some time.. some attention.. a time when you're all mine..
all eyes, ears, and thoughts just focused on me...
am i being selfish?
is it too much to ask?
and why does it hit me hard?
why can't you just feel for me and let me hear your sweet apology?
do you really have to find an excuse?
an escape goat to spare you from my whining
and i hate it when you suddenly shut me down
i know that you are strong
and that your built that way
but it hurts when i feel that you can go on without settling this out today
i know that you care and love me as well
but some times i need for you to show your affection
because it is what i am needing
now i can't deny that i'm down
i can't even describe the sadness that's filling me up right now
i hope if you can't see this..
maybe you will feel it
i don't want to become what i am before
a clown that puts on a smile and a show
i cant cry when you're here
when you're tired i can't be mad
all i can do is smile trough it
and wait till you laugh and be ok
i know i said i will take good care of you as if you're a child
but can you please let me be the child?
even for a fraction of a time...

A Big Disappointment

2009-04-29T03:12:00.003+08:00

i dont want to be like this!
i didnt even ask for this
but all of the dreams
the hopes and the promises
all are fading without me noticing
its hard and i know it
to realize that the one that you know
is not really what you want him to be
he is nothing but an illusion
a mirage just to keep you hanging
to hold onto a fantasy where you thought you'd be happy!
and when the rain falls hard
it washes down the great big deception
a lie that one is trying to live
and a truth that one is trying to hide
the truth that will drags me to misery
coz when you see the real me
its only a big disappointment that you will see!

A Big Disappointment

2009-04-29T03:12:00.000+08:00

I BURN MY EYES AS I READ THOSE LINES

2009-03-31T06:37:00.002+08:00

stumbled on something that's not meant for me... I'm shattered although I know that she has every right to say those things, It still bothers me big time... thinking: i hope for a second she thought of me, as she write those words or even as she speaks to the one that she addressed as "the one that she ever really loved"! but still i don't have a single right to complain... not even a single question about him/her... for I was the one who told her to decide and talk to him/her before we proceed to the next level... But still as i read every single line, the feeling of sharp little thorns raking into my chest fills me with misery and the feeling that something is wrong ... I still remember that after she had that so called "talk" she asked me to give her time and asked me not to bother her for at least a day or two... i agreed, but still i know i can't! I can't because she's the only reason for me to wake up every morning, the reason to look forward into another day... ever since that day i told her that I'm risking it all again for her... i called her up and beg her not to keep me hanging for a day or two.. i'm pouring my tears and my heart out while saying "i cant get past a single day without you, please don't do this.. not now! not now that i ripped the stitches off of these wounds that was forcefully closed and heavily sedated in order for me to feel no pain... feel nothing at all! but again I force it open just to feel you and let you in my heart..

i know that "IT"S NOT ME!" and i never intended to be like him/her, i never intended to be better than him/her! But rather i aim to be the BEST!
I thought at that moment we have an understanding.. a mutual feeling that i was very confident in.. but after i read those words i asked my self: did she believe me when i told her that i love her? or have she thought that im dead serious when i told her that im ready to risk getting hurt again just for her!
does it hurt that much? does it hurt so bad that you did not or cannot foresee that in the future THIS will cut me deep! i'm not mad or angry... i know i cant... not with her... even if i die trying to... i know that it's not her intention to hurt me.. maybe that's why she hid this from me... i also don't want to hurt her by writing this pathetic words... and for that I'm sorry!

helpless

2009-03-13T14:29:00.002+08:00

this is the feeling that I've hated most
this helpless feeling and mind's distort
my hearts pounding every second that passes
my visions of you makes my eyes move faster
tonight as i lay in this bed of dismay
the tears come pouring as i beg and i pray

i know i said I'm ready to be hurt
I'll swallow my pride and for you I will burn
now i aboard this sinking ship
i wish you could save me when i can no longer swim
please don't leave to drown here im begging you please

i told you the things that will make me fall
the things that will cripple me and make me crawl
i know I'm pathetic and sound so naive
i feel so helpless and I'm down on my knees

announcement!

2009-02-17T13:36:00.002+08:00

right now I'm busy finding a good melody and music for my writings... and because of that my posts here will be limited to maybe once or twice a week.. but I will try my best to have something to post here at least once every week... i kinda lose the melody for my previous lyrics whenever i try to write down something new... hope i will be able to finish my own song and be able to play it on gigs... i promise to post my song here when i finish... thnx guys.. ^^

2009-02-03T01:45:00.002+08:00

tonight is the loneliest time for me...
this is the time when you're looking for someone to talk to
because the one your so excited to see and talk with
is nowhere and you can't feel a thing
i'm by my self looking up at the sky
wondering why i can't find anyone
when i needed them
am i really destined to be of help to others
and why cant somebody think of me!
tonight i went for a ride
i dont care if i crash coz im already in pain
driving it fast, going 60 kilometers an hour
but i hit the brakes hard
when im about to hit a pup
i barely missed it and then i went to a full stop
and thats the time i realized that
i hit the brakes not because i dont want to get hurt
but i hit the brakes because i dont want to hurt that lil pup
and at that moment i felt scared for that dog's life instead of mine
maybe this is how i'm made
to think of others first
before thinking of my self
but now i need someone
to think of me rather of their selves
coz now i can't take this
i can't keep it inside my chest
i need to get this out
and i need to do this now!

to rock this world together

2009-02-02T03:40:00.001+08:00

its finally out,
the part of me that screams your name loud
you know how i feel
and you know that this is real
now i wish that you are here
holding my heart as you watch it beating
every sound, it calls to you
every drop of blood, it flows for you
can you take it for safe keeping?
can you handle the risk of your own heart's bleeding
all I can say is now I'm not afraid
to carve my heart out for your taking
i know that its not perfect
and i don't want to make promises coz I might break them
this is the only thing i can offer
but this small thing can lead to our greatness
let's just seize the moment
and be like this forever
I don't expect for you to do the same
I'm just waiting even if it takes forever
waiting for your answer that will make this all clearer
all i need to hear is for you to say "okay"
when i tell you "monmon, lets Rock this world together!"

my bloody past (a vampire's bitter confession)

2009-02-02T02:42:00.002+08:00

drink my blood and you'll taste the the misery of having to live each day knowing that i can't have you"

As you feast on my blood,
I dont care about the pain
as long as im in your sweet embrace..........

"I've always been watching you....
as you're watching someone else....
smiling....
laughing....
hoping to catch you take a glimpse of me....
even if its just a quarter of a second....
why can't you see me....
you said you want to protect them....
now who's gonna protect me....
from this misery....
that was long been forsaken....
coz you know i can't betray you....
even if you sink your fangs down my neck....
in fact I'll be glad if you'll drink my blood....
just a single drop is screaming out your name....
and as my feelings come pouring out....
along with this vile drink....
will forever remind you....
that it's you I'm yearning....

what it feels like when drowning down twice!

2009-02-01T05:03:00.003+08:00

why?
is it just me or is history
bound to repeat it self
i swore to love my self
be selfish for my self
think only of my self

why
did i put my self in this place
im hanging upside down
promised not to be let down
climb up when i fall down
push up when being pushed down

Is this really how i love?
do I really think of others first
rather than be selfish and hurt everyone else

I know i've been at that sinking ship before
I know how it felt when your trying to rescue somebody
and give them your own life vest just to see that he/she
is giving it to someone else....

Someone asked me if I am happy
I don't know what to say coz im all empty
she asked me again "what is your dream?"
I answered "to be finally be happy!"

she told me to find happiness in what ever God gives me
and be thankful for all the blessings that we're receiving
but what i really learned from her is to put my self first rather than prioritizing others
for weeks I've been happy
for days I've been changed
It doesnt hurt no more
her face doesnt stop my breath no more
im finally truly happy
im finally truly free

but now what's happening
it's like dejavu and it's like my head was beeing drilled
now when im finally happy
now that im finally saved
is when you came and put me back inside that sinking ship
that same ship
the same infested water

i know that your not ready
and im not giving you a hurry
but now i wanted to be sure
will you jump with me?
are you willing to fall with me?
coz i dont want the same tragedy
to happen again with me
same dreadful ship
same painful chills of the icy cold waters
there is only one thing before i jump in
are you really sure it's me you wanna save?!

The Standstill

2009-01-31T20:49:00.006+08:00

Can you see me smiling now?
bcoz of you i'm happy now
a moment destined by the one above
we never could know what plans he have
today it started when i wake
as i rose i felt that i will see your face
its funny how our destiny plays
we crossed with each other but have nothing to say
at a little corner where our love was unveiled
forever in my memories will be engraved
i know no matter how cheap this maybe
you don't know how happy this moment made me
a little strand in my time line
a little dot of our life time
it's precious for me
and forever it will be
the moment that our eyes crossed
is when I wished time was on a Stand Still!

more and more!!!

2009-01-29T15:17:00.006+08:00

this is the time of the day
when i want you here
i want to lie down at your lap
but you're nowhere near
and as i close my eyes
i imagine you are here
sitting happily by my side
we're laughing the time away

this is the time of the day
when i always stare at you
looking at your pictures
smiling as if its really you
and sometime i just wish
that this would just come true
im wishing you're here everyday
coz i miss you more and more each day!

So near yet so far!

2009-01-27T05:22:00.005+08:00

like a precious toy in a box
i cant hold you and feel your touch
like a shining star up the sky
i cant kiss you even if i'll die
all that i can do now is stare
and keep on wishing that i can bear
to wait for the time that i will finally be
able to take your warmth with me

its like forever after you i'm chasing
but every time it seems i'm getting nowhere
i always find my self at the edge of a cliff
i'm willing to jump over and take all the risks

and as i look at you from this place
i finally realized what a little gap can make
an inch and a mile can mean the same
no matter how near or far it makes
still i can't hold you even if my life's at stake

maybe its meant to be this way
and i'll keep on trying forever if i may
saying "there's still tomorrow if today i fail"

maybe ill get a bit closer everyday
maybe ill be able to reach you someday

if i could only reach a little farther
this is a limit that i have to conquer

i want to be beside you and i cant
i wanted to hold you and grab your hands
this is a promise that i made to keep
to reach you even if my body gets ripped
so now i'm willing to cut off my lips
and throw them at you just to feel your sweet kiss.......

eclipse...:(

2009-01-24T01:42:00.005+08:00

what is this feeling now?
i want to scream this out
i'm suddenly crippled
by the remnants of his finger prints
embossed right inside your heart
i know i can't complain
this is my choice and its okay
but all i ask from you
is for me to dwell beside you
i know he used to be your sun...
and maybe he still is...
compared to me he is brighter and also he is bigger
but if only you'd look at me
the moon the cloud hides sadly
the one that revolves around you
the one that always guard you
i'll always be right here
even when sunlight covers me away
i know i have the lesser shine any way
but i will give you light
especially when your down at night
but sometimes even at that time
you can't wait to see the daylight
is this really what you want?
an eclipse in just an instant!

stargasmic ^_~

2009-01-23T02:58:00.001+08:00

now i'm ready
if you are ready
lets get it started no more maybe's
let's heat it up
and babe i'll lift you up
were getting so high
into the moonlight

lying beneath the stars
gazing at our brightly twinkling destiny for hours
who would ever thought that this tiny sparkling dust up in the sky
will be the light that will guide me to your arms

a little closer
just a little harder
let's do this faster you're screaming louder
let's light it up
no never say give up
we'll make this rush last
forever if you'd like

so hush now
your cheeks so blush now
your eyes sparks right now
don't make me slow down
hold me tight we'll shake it through the night
love flowing under our stars!!!

hidden garden

2009-01-21T21:48:00.000+08:00

looking from a distance .........
i see you sitting there alone......
while your waiting for someone........
to be there next to you....
do you think no one can see you?
in a garden that's hidden from the kingdom's view
at a corner where lovers are supposed to......
but i really don't know why.......
you're forever waiting here for the one.....
the one that' ll sit next to your throne........
the one that' ll be your king...
who doesn't see you as i can....
maybe i feel I'm just your knight.........
the one who'll stand guard for you through the night.......
but no matter how shiny and strong my armor is.........
for you its rusty and full of filth.........
how can you not acknowledge me?........
when i almost died just to feed your thrill.........
maybe to you i don't mean a thing......
this may sound bitter and i know it.........
but how can you wait for somebody else..........
to sit by your comfortable chair............
when i'm right in front of you..............
standing here forever if i have to.......
just waiting for you to let me..........
be the one to sit beside you...........
i'm sorry for the things that you heard from me.....
i never meant for you to hear me talk so rudely.......
but as for now that your'e still waiting......
i'll just be right here for your taking...........
to keep you dry when it rains............
to keep you warm if your'e cold...........
to do everything that i'm told.........
now somehow i understand........
that you never see me as your knight........
instead you look at me and say...........
"my servant, find my king for me today!"

so tired yet i can't sleep

2009-01-20T14:01:00.001+08:00

all these feelings come closing in on me... why now?! I can't even give my self a rest....
maybe I should have exhausted my self up more... maybe then I'll be able to rest..
at least my body is... but i know my mind will still wander... this is the reason why I'm writing this blog right now...
to tire my brains out and hope that it will calm down...
this is the first time that I am being bothered again by my pathetic issues in life...
for a few weeks I have kept my self busy... and i even found someone who takes care of me... some one who i know, amidst all the limitations that we are faced with really cares how I feel and is willing to stay awake so late for me... but today we decided to drop the lines early... and I don't know why I'm still up... am I being paranoid? or am I just missing her sweet lulla bye voice...